Learn from the Best: Jan Peterson on Friendship (Part 2 of 3 on Eye-opening Pearls of Wisdom from Eugene and Jan Peterson)
Friends! Now that fall’s upon us, the books we’ll be discussing over the next few weeks would ALL make DELIGHTFUL CHRISTMAS GIFTS! (T-minus seven weeks until Christmas as of this writing….)
I don’t even remember how I found out that Jan Peterson, Eugene’s wife, had written a book on friendship, but somehow this sweet little book landed in my lap. (Remember, one of the many powerful books Eugene wrote is The Message.)
The book? Becoming Gertrude: How Our Friendships Shape Our Faith
Ann Voskamp says,
“Jan’s words here are like a literal gift to your heart and soul. Her masterful, luminous wisdom will not only inspire and encourage you to do the hard and holy work of digging deep into true community, but will gently hand you the tools necessary to become a truly safe place for someone else’s heart. Her life is a living, breathing example of friendship personified, and you’ll close the pages of this book a better person because of it.”
Kay Warren, also a pastor’s wife (her husband is Rick Warren of Saddleback Church) tells us we will learn “the meaning and value of spiritual friendship.”
Eugene, Jan’s husband, wrote the Afterword. He wrote it on Easter Sunday in 2018 and went to be with the Lord in October of that same year. Jan died the following May. To read their words on any subject causes one to sit up and take notice.
While Eugene enjoyed “nurturing a life of the mind,” he tells us Jan “dove into the rich world of people, where she devoted her life to the sacred task of offering hospitality, creating safe spaces for others to become themselves.” We’ll see what that looks like in a minute.
Before we get started, I’d be remiss if I didn’t share a must-have t-shirt you may also want to get for your bibliophile friends. While this one has the name “Susan” on it, you can have the t-shirt personalized with any name. Oh, this makes me so happy…
Let’s chat about Jan’s book and I’ll give you a few teasers which, I hope and pray, cause you to march out and grab this book either for yourself or as a gift for your friends!
In the Intro’, we meet Jan’s neighbor, Gertrude, who taught her “the treasure of spiritual friendship.” Gertrude’s trademark was offering lemonade to all who sat on the porch with her. Jan said Gertrude made it her life’s ambition to be “readily available to others,” listening, caring and engaging with them.
Jan teaches us readers how love “comes with community.” We get to journey with Jan, seeing her in action.
I love her definition of a spiritual friend: “one who chooses to love in tangible ways and wants me to grow in the things of God.” This is a huge visual of Proverbs 27:17,
Jan and Brother Lawrence (He wrote The Practice of the Presence of God.) could’ve been best buds had they lived at the same time. Likewise, her friend, Clare, declared each other “faithful friends.”
When Jan and Eugene had to move out of state, she and Clare gave each other a necklace with “F.F.” on the back of it, with the Latin phrase, “Fiat Mihi,” on the front—“be it done unto me.” Clare and Jan’s prayer, like Mary’s, the mother of Jesus, was to strive to live the “ordinary things of life to the glory of God.”
Several “aha” moments hit me during the reading of this book. The book is only five chapters long. Oh, but they pack a punch. Each chapter begins with a Scripture, naturally from The Message.
In chapter 2, Acceptance: Receiving What is Offered, Jan teaches us three different levels of friendship. These categories were new to me. Jan minces no words re: the need to be careful with some people, i.e. those who wouldn’t be considered “safe.” She’s not afraid of difficult subjects!
Her big point on acceptance, however, is it’s “simply about choosing to love people right as they are, choosing to invest in them…That’s why accepting ourselves—not wishing we were someone else—is so crucial for healthy friendships…Accepting how God has created us will allow us to invest in our relationships without jealousy or judgment…we are all in the process of becoming.” (In the Afterword, Eugene expounds on this with, “Everyone is in the process of becoming…we grow into the unique people we were created to be, through a lifetime of learning.”
Jan’s chapter, Service: Caring in Action, opens with instructions from Romans 12:11-12,
Like our pastor and friend, Bob Russell, often says, “There’s no such thing as retirement in the Christian life. Sure, you may retire from a job, but there are a whole lot of opportunities out there for you to share your time, your faith, and your resources with others.”
Likewise Jan lists several people who at the time were older than she was, many times getting their start at age 75 (Father Kilian McDonnell), or Grandma Moses at 78, plus Wendell Berry, in his poetry book, Leavings, reminding us, “We’re not old, but new, that each new phase of my life is just that—new. I’ve never been ‘here’ before.” Of course I love seeing our Kentucky author in there and Eugene quotes Wendell often too.
These people and their words gave Jan encouragement to press on as she and Eugene took on new jobs, moving around the country, always serving others.
I’m blessed to have three friends who turned 80 this past September! They remain faithful students of the Bible and teach and give of their time to countless women (and sometimes men) of all ages all the time. I’m blessed to also call each of them mentors. They encourage me to press on, keeping the faith. I will often remind myself, “Well, if Judy, or Lynn, or Elizabeth are doing this, I surely can as well.” (Small detail: I am nineteen years their junior! Therefore, NO EXCUSES!!!)
You’ll flip over all Jan did in the early years before their church building was built in Maryland, especially what all she had to do with holding church in their basement, all the while having young children! You will laugh out loud over her story about being without a clothes dryer. Don’t miss it!
Chapter 4 on Hospitality: Reaching Out and Bringing In opens with another pertinent Scripture from Romans 12:13 and 16:
Jan defines hospitality as, “The welcoming reception and treatment of guests and strangers in a warm, friendly, generous way.”
She shares Henry’s Nouwen’s thoughts from his book, Reaching Out:
This also reminds me of a lazy susan I found years ago that says, “May all who come as guests leave as friends.”
Jan includes sweet stories not of just her marriage and their ministry, but we get to learn about her children and grandchildren. You’ll find them endearing and will highlight or dog-ear many a page.
To close, I’d love to share one more phrase you’ll love which comes from Eugene, again in the Afterword:
“Such companions, whether in the form of spouses or friends, have holy agency. Our lives are healed and shaped by the people whose company we keep.”
May we strive for holy agency in all our encounters, starting today!
Now run, don’t walk, to your nearest bookstore and grab several copies for you and your friends of Becoming Gertrude: How Our Friendships Shape Our Faith.
‘Til next time!
Disclosure of Material Connection: Some of the links in the page above are “affiliate links.”